


The Big Snooze

by aerye



Category: due South
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-27
Updated: 2011-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-15 03:45:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerye/pseuds/aerye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Apologies to Humphrey Bogart, Raymond Chandler and Howard Hawks should be assumed.</p>
    </blockquote>





	The Big Snooze

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies to Humphrey Bogart, Raymond Chandler and Howard Hawks should be assumed.

Ray watched as another dolly stacked with book boxes was wheeled out the back door and down the ramp to a waiting U-Haul.

"That's it, Fraser. We're going in."

"Ray. _Ray_. Fraser's hand was on his arm, holding him back in his seat. "The Lieutenant's instructions were very clear: we're to wait for the private agency operatives to arrive, so that we might apprehend all of the parties involved at the same--"

"We got no time for that, Fraser--that is the third load of books to come out of that store just since we got here. We wait any longer, all our evidence is going to be traveling south on I-55. Granger--"

"Geiger."

"Yeah, that's what I meant, Geiger--Geiger obviously knows we're onto him and he's cleaning house. Look. There's another load!" Ray pointed to another stack of boxes coming down the ramp and got out of the car, leaving Fraser and Dief with no other alternative but to join him on the sidewalk.

"Okay," Ray checked the clip on his gun and tucked it back in his holster, "I'll be whatishisname, the private dick, Gaypants, and you be--"

"Ray, I really think it would be better if I impersonated Mr. Gaypants--"

"You can't be Gaypants. Not in the Mountie uniform." Ray started to cut across the street towards the bookshop.

Dief barked.

"Ray, the light--"

A horn blared as a car narrowly missed Ray. He saluted the driver with his finger but moved back up onto the sidewalk next to Fraser. "Thanks, Dief."

"Ray," Fraser began again carefully, "not to disparage your admittedly superior skills at subterfuge but--"

"But what?"

"--but you spent the entire evening discussing the case with State's Attorney Kowalski. Whereas I spent the entire evening reviewing the details of Mr. Gaypants' email communications with Mr. Geiger." There was a break in the traffic and Dief started across, Ray following closely. Fraser moved quickly to catch up with them. "Ray, I believe I am much better equipped to engage in the pretext of being Mr. Gaypants than--"

"Yeah? And how do you explain that get-up you're in, huh? Dief, you stay." Ray started into the shop and nearly tripped over Dief as he trotted past. "Yeah, like I said Dief, after you."

Fraser dropped his voice to a whisper as they entered the store. "Ray, I could say I was just coming off an undercover assignment--"

"That required you to dress up like a Mountie? Yeah, right, like anyone's gonna believe that--"

"Gentleman." There was a dishy brunette coming out of the back room. Ray put on his best smile. "Can I help you?"

Fraser look sideways at Ray, took off his hat and stepped forward quickly. "Yes, yes, you can. I'm --"

Ray stepped in front of him, cutting him off. "We're here to see Granger."

Dief barked.

 _"Geiger,"_ Fraser corrected him, not quite _sotto voce_.

Ray frowned. "Yeah, that's what I meant to say, Geiger. We're here to see Geiger."

"I'm sorry?"

"Look, we got an appointment to see--"

"If you could please inform Mr. Geiger that Mr. Gaypants is here to see him," Fraser interrupted smoothly, "I believe we have an appointment." The dishy brunette picked up the phone.

"That's quite all right, Ms. Mars, I'm here. Mr. Gaypants?" Fraser and Ray turned to see a man coming out of the back room dressed in a smart grey suit, with slicked hair. "It's a pleasure to---"

"So, Geiger--" Ray stepped forward again.

"Mr. Geiger--" Fraser was right on his heels.

Dief barked.

"--uh...meet you?" Geiger looked from Fraser's outstretched hand to Ray's, and back again. "I'm sorry, which of you said you were Mr. Gaypants?"

 _"I am." "I am."_

"Mr. Geiger, I'm Mr. Gaypants." Fraser shook Geiger's hand. "That is, I'm, uh, Benton Gaypants. At your service."

"I'm very pleased to meet you at last, Mr. Gaypants. I've enjoyed our correspondence." Geiger turned to Ray. "And this is your...?"

"Oh. Oh, well, this is, this is my...uh..."

Dief barked.

"Part--"

"...brother."

"--ner," Ray finished lamely.

Geiger raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, well," Ray gritted his teeth and shot Fraser a _see what you did now?_ look. "It's like, see, I'm both. I'm his partner. And his brother. Brother and partner. Ray Gaypants," he held out his hand, "pleased to meet you."

Geiger examined them both carefully. "You don't look at all alike."

"Yeah, well," Ray shrugged, "we're brothers, only y'know, once removed. Same father, different mother. See, his mum left my dad 'cause of a difference of opinion about, uh..." He turned to Fraser expectantly.

Deif barked.

"Caribou."

"I'm sorry?"

Ray swallowed a groan and looked back at Geiger. "Yeah, uh, caribou. Heh. She had a thing about them, it was caribou, caribou, all the time, you should have seen them go at it--ugly, ugly fights. She was Canadian, see, and you know how they can get about that kind of thing."

"I'm afraid I don't..."

"But that's not why we're here, right? You contacted Benton here about a little arrangement you wanted to make? Some merchandise you wanted to get off your hands?"

"Yes. Yes, you came highly recommended, Mr. Gaypants. You--" Geiger stopped again. "Mr. Gaypants, I have to say that's a very unusual...suit you have there."

"Ah." Fraser looked down at his uniform. "Yes, well--"

"Yeah, well, uh, you'll have to excuse the way he's dressed, Mr. Geiger. See, he's been working all morning at, uh..."

Dief barked.

"I've been working undercover," Fraser said.

"Undercover?"

"Yeah," Ray dribbled the conversational ball, "he's been, uh, undercover. Over at, uh,..." Ray looked at Fraser.

"Ah. Well, at the...That is to say I've been working..." Fraser ran a thumb over his eyebrow.

"Over at the, uh," Ray started snapping his fingers, looking frantically at Dief, "the uh, the whatyoucallit, the uh..."

Dief barked.

"The Canadian Cultural Centre!" Fraser said with relief. "There is, in fact, a traveling exhibit on Canadian wildlife appearing this week and we--that is, the Candadian Consulate--needed extra security."

"Yeah," Ray said, "extra security."

Dief barked again.

"And they wanted him to blend in with their own people, y'know, like all the other Mounties."

"Hence the uniform," Fraser concluded.

"I see." Geiger looked at Dief. Dief wagged his tail.

"Yeah, so, but you know, it was a security thing, so we really shouldn't be discussing the details. I mean, you wouldn't want us discussing your business, right? So like I was saying, you contacted us about security for your own merchandise shipments, right? You have some, uh, unusual security concerns, some 'goods'," Ray made quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "that need some 'special handling'?"

Geiger was still looking askance at them. "Okay, so you're telling me you're both--"

Dief barked.

"Private operatives." Fraser said firmly, then looked at Ray.

"Uh, yeah." Ray nodded. "Private detectives. We're private detectives."

"Yes. Perhaps you've heard of us." Fraser looked at Ray again. "Gaypants--"

"Uh, Gaypants--"

Dief barked.

"And Wolf."


End file.
